It has been a crazy ride this summer. My mind has been getting the best of me lately. All the fatigue, insomnia, lack of appetite, diarrhea, and abdominal pains have sent me down this dark hole. A lot of people with chronic illnesses suffer from depression. Actually a lot of all people suffer from depression no matter what life circumstances are thrown their way. Thankfully I have a part of me that knows that these dark thoughts are not the real me. Though there are times that I ask myself what the point to all this madness is when your quality of life is so poor for extended periods of time. I know that I can’t go out that way. I need to keep going for my son.
As far as my immediate situation, and all the crappy side effects I am currently dealing with, it is hard to know what is at the root of it all. Some of it is chemo side effects, some of it is my body still trying to recover from my bout with pancreatitis, it is also possible that it’s the placement of my cancer metastasis in the lymph nodes throughout my abdomen. I am finding myself at a cross road where I have to decide if I should continue with the treatment I am on or if I should try something else that my body might handle better allowing my quality of life to improve.
A lot of this will also come to me after I find out my scan results on Friday. Though I am battling for my life, being on a treatment that makes me feel like crap 80% of the time is not worth the anguish and depression. Yet at the same time, as a metastatic survivor, every time I switch treatments that is one less treatment option available to me knowing that eventually I have the potential of running out of treatment options altogether. Ahhh it’s a crazy game we play.
I will say I am sick of feeling like crap all the time. I am sick of being depressed and having no motivation to do anything. I want to go back to being the crazy flighty me that I used to be. The me that had all this energy to pull together fundraisers and help so many other people. I’m sick of thinking about me… haha. It was so much better when I kept myself so busy worried about everyone else.
I will get there soon enough. I upped my happy pills in hopes of finding me again soon. I just have to think of this as a temporary state of mind that will soon pass. I know that I am also grieving the loss of my fellow survivors, having to put my house on the market, and dealing with all of this uncertainty has left me feeling uneasy and out of control. I do know that everything happens for a reason though. I know that no matter what happens the sun will continue to rise and set and the world will go on. I just keep telling myself that even though it feels like I am carrying a heavy load now that it could be worse and that there are so many people in the world that are dealing with far worse. I try every day to remind myself to be thankful for all I do have. I have an amazingly supportive and loving family, a kind loving teenage boy, a beautiful puggle, and a roof over my head. That’s a hell of a lot more than most people have. Though I am still young I have led a pretty great life. I have pushed myself to do things that I never thought would be possible. I have showed my son that nothing can hold you back except yourself.
As you can see this blog post is more of a therapeutic rambling to myself telling me to get off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself haha. But it’s also to show everyone that I am still only human. I am not some courageous cancer lady and I have my weak moments just like everyone else. It’s all a fact of life. That’s why a lot of us cancer survivors hate being referred to as strong, as if implying that we are somewhat super human. I am no different than anyone else on this earth, well I might be slightly crazier.
It does feel good to get it all out there in the open though. Most of the time when I get down in the dumps I feel like my only option is to keep it all to myself. I tend to blog less and less because I don’t want to drag people down and I am worried about not keeping up with this strong, witty, cancer fighting platform that I have created. I am going to make a conscious effort to force myself to blog more often, even if it’s to just say I don’t want to talk to people. I need to stop being so shut off. I know that I give off this facade that I am this super social always doing something kind of person, but in all honesty that is not me. I have this horrible habit of not asking for help, growing increasingly anti-social, and wearing my pj’s like a prison uniform. Yet I’m going to make a goal for myself to stop being so lame, to get out of the house more, go back to helping people more regularly, and stop sleeping most of the day all the time. That’s my goal. I know it won’t be achieved over night, but I’ll get there. Thanks for listening to my long self involved rant. I hope that by reading this it will make you go out and do something nice for someone in need. Do it even though they won’t ask for help. Go have coffee with them and get them out of the house. Go see that relative that is in hospice or assisted living that is probably lonely. Bring them cookies and shower them with attention and good conversation. It’s random acts of kindness like this that can make a person go from thinking ‘what’s the point of life’ to ‘wow I had a really great afternoon’. Don’t ever think that there is nothing you can do to help a loved one out through their hard times. I will say that I am lucky to have great aunts and loved ones that surprise me with cute encouraging cards in the mail all the time. It’s so nice to get those messages of love, especially when there are people in our lives that run and hide at our darkest hours. So that’s what your, and my, assignment is… Do something nice for someone that has been withdrawn and quiet lately. Show them you care and are happy they’re around. Karma will thank you for it.