The black cloud has descended over me the past few months. The mixture of recovering from surgery, dealing with personal issues, fighting allergies, and dealing with the darkness from the change in seasons has hit me pretty hard. A lot of us survivors deal with bouts of depression, and when I say depression I don’t mean the boo hoo cry all the time kind. It’s more like the stay in your pj’s don’t want to do anything but sleep kind. I know that some of the fatigue is from the chemo, and some from recovering from a big surgery, but I’m pretty sure the rest is all me.
When I went to chemo yesterday the good people of Dana Farber helped me to understand my Medicare options a little better, which was good. I was spending upwards to $350 a month on just prescriptions for awhile there, which caused me to selectively cut back on some of my meds, which was not the best decision, but I thought it was shat I had to do to get by. Dana Farber helped me get back on track, so I should start feeling better soon.
When I get depressed I tend to sleep and keep to myself. Hence the lack of blogging on my part. I will get random bursts of energy, which I use to catch up on housework. My surgical scars are healing fine and I am beginning to wear jeans again which is nice. However I do spend most of my days in bed reading, making things for charity, or sleeping. It’s not the most exciting thing, but I’m working on getting better.
I got the typical questions yesterday, are you eating enough? Do you have thoughts of harming yourself? I looked at the nurse and laughed. I don’t even have the energy to get out of bed most days like I’d have the energy to harm myself.. haha. I told her I had too much on my plate to off myself so for her to not to worry. She asked what I meant and I said between raising a 12 year old and running a non profit I don’t have too much time to be that selfish to take my own life, plus that’s cancers job. She laughed and said it was good I have not lost my sense of humor.
I will say that the benefits of going to a cancer hospital for your treatments is that they have a whole staff of people that are there to help you with not just your cancer. They have therapists, social workers, financial advisors, and a lot of other free programs to try and make things that much esker on you. So if your hospital does not offer these things you might want to shop around. Sometimes they have these programs and you don’t even know it, so always ask. I know as a cancer pacient, the act of asking for help all the time gets annoying, and a lot of us just try to take care of things on our own. I know that I am horrible at asking for help. I will wait till I’m at my wits end before asking for help. Then the doctors will tell me to take it easy, maybe take a vacation… haha. Sure I tell them, I’ll take a nice sweet ass vacation to my bed and heated mattress pad. I’ll just pretend I’m on a cruise or in a fancy hotel somewhere in Italy… haha.
Anyway… As you can see I am fine. I am alive and well, just not entirely active. I am looking forward to the holidays, they always tend to perk me up a little. I have my son to thank for that, he definitely makes everything that much brighter.